I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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