I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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