If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
