i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
