I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
