ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
