He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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