I could make wine with my vomit
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
