Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
