My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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