Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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