I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
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Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
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I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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