I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
