All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
