I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
