Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
