Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Randomize
