and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
