just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
