He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
