I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
