yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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