before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
