Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
