why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
