woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
