I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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