last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
