Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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