Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"