Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.