I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."