She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
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What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
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I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not