do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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