Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
