Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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