Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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