I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
