I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
