Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
