I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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