I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
