Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
