he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
