Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
