my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
