Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
