I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
