explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
