I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
