you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
