theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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