if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
