and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
