There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
