i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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