Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
