I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
