My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Randomize
