I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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