just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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