Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize