I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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