i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
When are your genitals available?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
not ubering you a puppy
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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